Back from hiatus...

Boy, talk about life happening!
When I began this journey of weight loss and blogging about it, I promised to do it openly and honestly, to share my successes as well as my bumps in the road. So, the proverbial bump has been hit. Not too badly and I am happy to say I believe this bump has not derailed me and I am back on track and thankful that the slide was not a great one.

Everything was going along swimmingly and I had my fourth fill in August. I was praying to find the sweet spot. Running was going well, although with four children in the summer as oppossed to just our two sometimes there were challenges.

And then in September, just prior to Noodle going back to school it happened. I was "late". I didn't feel right. Tim gave his nervous laughter and said "Oh Mikki, you're just being paranoid. You know you aren't regular."

Au Contraire mon frere. Since losing weight every 28-32 days I was visited by the unwanted. It didn't hit him until he saw the two lined test and the other that read "pregnant"that he believed it. Honestly, we were both shocked. Word to those who want to know about birth control. I have a secret. It only works if you use it! Who knew?

So, there we sat, shocked. Wow. We didn't have to do anything this time. No pills, no threatened injections in the butt, no fertility doctors--nothin'. Just good old fashioned date night.

I was mortified having to tell my surgeon that I had gotten pregnant 8 months out of surgery when he said wait two years for maximum weight loss. Truthfully, we had planned on trying after my year bandiversary, but not in the summer. I wasn't sure how it would play out. As if on queue, once I got used t the idea of having another little person running around, the scale broke. I realized my biggest challenge would be getting used to the idea of having the scale go up from my then 184.5/ 185lb scale reading.

Tim went with me to the first appointment. We sat in the room chatting it up with my doctor, talking about how I was feeling and babies and the economy and then we got down to the business at hand. The first ultrasound. There we were, in the room looking at a screen. The doctor got quiet. I was looking. As if she was reading my thoughts she said " I don't see anything here. This is not an eight week sac."

And in an instant our world was turned upside down. We had gone from disbelief to looking forward to telling our parents we were going to make them grandparents again to landing on the block of "Empty Sac Street and the Intersection of Not Eight Weeks Along Avenue."

She urged us not to worry, to go in for a Level2 ultrasound and maybe something could be found. Maybe my dates were off.

I knew in my heart the dates were not off. Tim and I looked at each other when we left the office. One of stated "this doesn't look good, does it" and the other hastily agreed. And the news wasn't good. The pregnancy failed to progress after the sixth week. My body being the trooper that it is did not recognize the pregnancy as not being viable, so I still suffered from all day sickness. My doctor's office, erring on the side of caution, had me wait a couple of weeks (mostly in the dark) to confirm what I already knew.

Finally, they conceded defeat. The last ultrasound showed the sac had collapsed and there was nothing but tissue left. Ten days ago, on the day of what would have been my 11th week and 4th day of pregnancy, they performed my D&E. And then like that, I wasn't pregnant anymore.

We are thankful that it happened early. If there was a chromosomal abnormality, which is usually the case in early pregnancy lost or missed abortions, my body did what it was supposed to do--it reject it. We are thankful that it happened early enough that a decision did not have to be made later on if something had been terribly wrong. The Lord knows my heart, and the thought of an extremely ill child scares me to no end.

Having said all of the above, being thankful for the two wonderful children we already have, I am still amazed that I am still saddened by the loss. Not that I am callous, but I only a had a little time to get used to the idea of "Tres". Now, the option is gone.

During my all day sickness I ate stuff that made me able to live. Mostly Tostito chips and salsa. It stayed down when nothing else would. That and orange juice. I certainly got in my vitamin C. Note to self: the first 13 weeks of pregnancy are a wash for me. I am ok with that.

The result was a 4 pound weight gain and a tummy that protruded earlier than I could have ever anticipated. The good news is my tummy has started to get back to my new normal, and the scale read 186 this morning. Gone is the nausea and the copper taste in my mouth and for the first time in weeks I ran this past Sunday morning. I was not nearly as out of shape as I had anticipated. I realize I actually missed running and that was cool.

I am still sad over our loss. I can admit that as I don't want to drown my sorrows in a bowl of ice cream or gooey chocolate chip cookies. I want to be able to share my sadness instead of feeling alone about it and stuffing my feelings with food. Isn't that what therapy is for? As stated before, I am keeping my copay in a savings account for when I go shopping again for clothes.

We have not given up on "Tres". We would like to add to our family, I guess this just was not the right time. So, once again, my efforts are concentrated on losing some more of me and gaining more stamina running. Things will work out, they always do. And the next time I go get a brandnew wardrobe, I will be shopping in the Maternity section at Target in a size Medium or even Small.

And that is a goal worth reaching.

Until next time,
Your Recovering Fat Girl
Mikki