Getting restarted

I started to write yesterday and realized, after three or four lines that I was whining about not having exercised and the house being stirred up. I then grew some handles and got a grip and started to rewrite what really happened. By that I mean if you write it, or speak it, it exists in your reality. Therefore, instead of talking about how stirred up the house is I am focusing on the fact that I have done major spring cleaning in our room and the bathroom and stocked the snack cabinet in the kitchen.

Also, I started yesterday's entry lamenting the fact I had done nothing in the form of exercise, I got up, put on my ipod, laced up my sneakers and went running. I am still not in as bad a shape as I thought I would be and can still run further than I thought. I have noticed changes in my body due to my inactivity over the past two months and I am not happy about it.

However. I am not bummed or sitting Shiva for what it used to be. I am keeping it as a wake up call for where I could be AGAIN if I am not careful. Once again, seeing others go back to bad habits and putting on weight is not helpful for me. It is helpful, however, when it happens TO me. I am not a sideline observer in this weight loss game, I am an active participant. Therefore, I am back on track, focusing on the positives.

I am happy that this is my last week of work. Tonight is a fun night and really I am not working just going skating and can take my kids too (if Nala feels better that is) and then I have only Tuesday through Thursday to worry about.

Last night Tim and I had a conversation and I told him my revelation. I understand that women work and raise families every day and some do it with much grace, understanding, and most important well and my hat is off to those women (and men) who accomplish this feat. I, too, worked and raised a child under stressful circumstances since my first baby was just "penciled in" for the first two years and ten months of her life. However, just because it is done this way does not mean I should have to make it harder than it needs to be.

This conversation came about after I admitted to Tim that I felt like a failure for not being able to do everything. Take care of Max during the day, run the household and work at night and then find time to get enough sleep and still be healthy. I look back and say, well my mother did it, and a whole bunch of other women did it also. Why can't I?

I guess it comes down to my not being able to do anything well enough for my standards. And honestly, just because you CAN do it does not mean that you SHOULD do it. I need to lay down the guilt that is only kicked up when I listen to others who shed light on my doubts or fears that I am not doing enough professionally to warrant my existence. Perhaps, it is the unspoken belief (that maybe I secretly hold) that raising kids and keeping a household together isn't REAL work just merely something you do.

Realistically, I think this is the toughest job I have ever had and the most important. I have learned to redefine myself from titles that are smiled upon and impressive to everyone who hears them. It isn't as if I am never going back to paid employment, because I will. But if I don't do it at this very moment, or even in the next three months does this mean what I contribute is any less important because I don't bring home a paycheck and pay taxes?

Somehow, I don't think that is the case. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind when asked what it is I do or when I plan on going back to work. Hell, I am at work all day long, 24/7. What I am "going back to" is a vacation in comparison.

Ok, having unburdened my soul I need to get up and get my body moving and finish cleaning this house as stirred up surroundings means a stirred up mind and I really am NOT in that space today. I don't want to be, therefore, I will not be.

Until the Next Time
Your Recovering Fat Girl
Mikki

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Since I am aware of the "Have a plan, or plan to fail" I am goin to finish up my plan for meals for the rest of the week tonight when I finally get a chance to get in bed. I really