And now the hunger

Hi folks!
When we last left our hero, she was lamenting her lack of planning skills, and vowing to not only make a plan, but stick to it.

How is our heroine doing now?

Picture it. Afternoon. She has written down everything she has put in her mouth, and much to her dismay she realizes she really does not have much restriction anymore. She has planned her meals and measured out the half cup of food that is supposed to satisfy her only to realize she is hungry. Still. Uh Oh.

Dr. Boe's words echo in her ears. "Usually, proper restriction is obtained between the third and fourth fills."

My next fill is April 4th. That is approximately five weeks away. Let it be known, that unless I am one of those people whose fills "kick in" two weeks after the initial fill, I might be in trouble. I, however, am not deterred. I have made better choices the past two days, focusing in on protein and not carbs that are my friend. I think I have some type of carb dependence or something.

Once a piece of bread passes my lips its hard to say no to the rest.

Not only is my band filled, my heart is filled with anxiety. Why you ask?

Because, any day now, Tim and I are going to have the "you-didn't-come-from-mommy's -tummy talk." The truth is, I am so apprehensive about this I am not too sure where to begin.

Yes, we took the 16 hour adoption classes. Yes they addressed it, but its different now that the time has come.

Yesterday, I spent some time in the morning at Borders. As I scanned the books from Fertility and Conception to How to be a Teacher, I see what I am searching for.

There is "Adoption for Dummies", All you need to know about Adoption", "Adoption, is it for you?" and the like.

As I thumb through the books I get advice on how to introduce the subject of Adoption to your adopted child. They suggest that you should introduce the concept from the very time you bring them home.

I appreciate their openness, but Houston, we have a problem. Our Adoption was made final ten months ago just shy of our daughter's third birthday. Our Adoption was not one where a couple picked Tim and I out of a book. As a matter of fact, we had very little control over the situation at all.

There were times when we really weren't sure Adoption Day would come.

As I find suggestions as to how to introduce these other persons into our daughter's life I read phrases like "Sheila gave you this blanket. She made it for you when you came home with us from the hospital." and "Beth nursed you and held you and loved you before you came home to our family."

Then I find myself angry.

My baby didn't come home in a cute pink outfit picked out especially for that purpose. No one took the time to get her anything.

My baby came home with clothes from the hospital down to the cap on her head. The hospital was kind enough to send her home with a diaper bag full of pampers and ready made formula. My baby was supposed to be with us for a weekend, a week tops. Thankfully, that weekend turned into three years.

The studies in these books did not have the endless court cases, the continuances, the weekly and then bi-weekly visits. They address these types of situations for children that were once with their birth parents and then adopted at a later date. That also, does not address our situation.

What I got from the books, was something I already knew. We are to make this experience positive. We are to tell her what she needs to know and not sugar coat the truth, but make sure we are age appropriate. And we are not to convey negative feelings about her birth parents to her in anyway.

I have had time to truly examine how I feel about them. (This whole not eating a bowl of ice cream with cookies and dealing with one's feelings is exhausting. No wonder people over eat :-)

I believe that her birth mother loved her. I believe she made poor choices through out her life, and her inability to take care of Noodle was a result of her poor choices.
I have to believe that she was just unable to make the effort to do the right thing by her children.

I will not make excuses for the three visits she made out of the fifteen that were required. I can't explain that. I will not make excuses for the court hearings she missed. I can not fathom why she chose not get any prenatal care, siting she didn't need any. Nor can I commiserate with her addiction that led her to use while she was pregnant with Noodle. I can not explain any of this phenomenon. They were not my choices to make.

As for her birth father, I really can't muster up anything positive at all to say about him. But I will work on it.

But we do have control over telling her the truth which she deserves to know. Wish me (us) luck. Shop Rite really may need to hide the ice cream on this one.

Until the next time,

Your Recovering Fat Girl,
Mikki