Telling the World of my latest adventure

"So, what is it that you wanted to tell me, Mikki?"

As Nala jumped around our room, and Max babbled on our bed, I turned the computer screen around so that Tim could see.

"Now, before you get all freaked out make sure you read the whole thing. The one on the right, not the left. I've researched it and I think its a good idea, but I need for you to be ok with this also. It doesn't affect just me."

I wait as Tim reads and busy myself with caring for children who are not paying me the least bit of attention. I don't know why I am nervous. Tim has always been supportive of me no matter what it was I wanted to do. We talk about everything, we share everything, having our most intimate conversations in the most unconventional settings. We are married for goodness sakes. He has seen me hang over the toilet with morning sickness, cry, fall, walk around nude.....so why did I suddenly feel so utterly exposed and vulnerable?

I can feel my heart beating in my ears and I am not sure if I am even breathing. I look up when I believe he is finished."Well?" I say as I pick up Max using him as a security blanket.

Tim smiles, leans over and gives me a kiss and says "I support you one hundred percent. I want to keep you around for as long as I can."I smile. That's why we're married.

And so began our journey into Weight Loss Surgery.On November 12, 2007, Tim and I sat through a seminar to hear about the Lap Band procedure at the Barix Clinics in Langhorne, Pa. It answered our questions and gave us what we needed to make an informed decision. After hours of research, some doctor's appointments and awesome insurance my surgery was performed on January 4, 2008.

I struggled in the beginning of who, if anyone ,I would tell besides Tim. Did I really want to answer all of those questions? What if I failed? Did I want people looking at absolutely everything I put in my mouth? Was I willing to share how I got to this point? What could I possibly say to those who would have absolutely no way of understanding the battle of the bulge? Then I thought about it. Here I was taking a positive step towards a healthier me, why would I not be proud of myself and want to share my news?

Losing weight is a very complex issue. It's more than numbers on the scale. It affects the way others view you and most important how you view yourself. The person you are on the inside is never accurately reflected on the outside. If you are overweight you are viewed, by some, as being less intelligent, less active, less attractive, and somehow inferior. I understand I am none of those things and after a while refused to diet or address the issue. If I lost weight was I not then buying into the myth that my happiness was entwined with numbers on the scale? If I strived to achieve the lofty size 4 was I not giving into the pressure that is put upon us by society ? Was I then admitting that something really was wrong with me the way I am? Have I sold out?

Then there is the issue of other people. What would they think or say? Admittedly, I did not think of this at first. The people who I needed to be on board with this were, so it never dawned on me that there would be any reaction that was less than supportive, but it turned out I was wrong. For those who do not understand my undertaking I recognize they just do not understand this battle. They probably did not have their first organized diet of Weight Watchers in the fifth grade. They did not have to find creative ways to hide the V8 juice in the thermos from their arch nemesis before she realized you were on a diet and then all hell broke loose.

They have not sat in the dressing room of the fat girl store and cried because, for better or for worse the clothes actually fit! Nor have they encountered the great aunt who, after not seeing you in years greets you not with "hello" but "why are you so fat?" Those traumas are now pretty laughable to me,however they were not at the time they happened. And I will not have them happen to me again.

There is nothing wrong with being apart of the big girl club, I am just ready to turn in my card.

So what lead me to this point? Despite turning points in my life in the past there was no one specific event. Instead, I have three reasons.Tim, Nala and Maxwell. I owe Tim a lifetime that we promised to spend together.

We cannot have 58 more years on our contract if I am not here to honor my part. I owe it to my children to be as healthy as possible so that I can raise them, love them, play with them, cry with them and grow with them. I do not have any intentions on being the "fat mommy" picking up her babies and watching them from the side of the park. I want to be there to play with them and enjoy good health. And if it means I get to bypass the fat girl store and buy off the rack in the normal store then so be it.

I have finally realized that I have not sold out; instead, I have bought into a future that I deserve.

The process of losing weight via any surgery is not the "easy way out" as some suggest. When drinking nothing but protein shakes and broth for two weeks becomes "easy", when you look at your tummy and see five little incisions decorating your outside becomes "easy" someone please let me know. Losing weight with any undertaking, even surgery, is not easy. The Lap Band is not gastric bypass and the weight will not fall off over night, nor is the Lap Band a cure for any food issues I may have. While it will help me control how much I eat, it will be up to me to decide WHAT I put in my mouth.

Most important, I do not believe for one moment that losing weight will make me happy. Lucky for me, I am not only happy already, I am content. I love my life. I have a husband who adores me and supports me even through my craziness. I have two children who drive me crazy and make me laugh daily. I could not be more proud of them. I have parents who love me and support me, parents-in-law who support me and with whom I am proud to share the same name. And for the first time in my life, losing weight is merely an important journey in my life but it is by no means all consuming as it was in the past.

It is no longer about the size of my pants or what store I can "fit in to".It is about being true to myself, feeling that I deserve all things that are good to me and for me. It is about being healthy. It is, thankfully, no longer about being loved.

If you would like to know more about the Lap Band surgery, you are welcome to check out Lapbandtalk.com. They have a wealth of information on this procedure.