Its 6:12am and I have been up since 3:00am. This early rising is kid induced of course. So, here I sit after having gone through the ShopRite circular to see what is on sale and what meals I can get out of it for the week.
I feel like I am struggling to get back on track. I realize that my energies are scattered and I am not exactly sure why. Could be a number of things. I am readjusting to not working anymore, dealing with this pregnant for four days then not so much, the school year winding down, the want and need to put Max in daycare knowing we can not afford to do so and not succumbing to the pressure to do so anyway, feeling like I am not taking time for me.
It is funny how things seem so clear in the wee hours of the morning. All of the possibilities just exist. I have decided to stop putting exercise off until the middle of or end of the day. I realize I do my best in the morning first thing. Now to make it happen.
So, both children are up watching Wow Wow Wubbzy. We have gone through the books, looked for stuff in Shop Rite, made a list....and now....they are sleepy.
I am going upstairs to put on some work out clothes (heck, maybe I will stay in my pajamas and put the kids on the jogger and we are going to go running. It will put them to sleep and allow me to start my day. It can't hurt any.
ShopRite will be there after the run. Maybe a little more crowded, but being around people is not always bad. Most times, but not all the time.
Today, I refocus on the good stuff and I am going to stop stressing about everything and nothing. There really is no need for that.
Until the Next Time
Your Recovering Fat Girl'
Mikki
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Down that road again....
I should have known something was amiss when I awoke with the dull ache in my lower back. It was a familiar ache and in no way welcomed. I waited with my eyes closed waiting to feel the nausea that had been with me for the last six or seven days or the tale tell dizziness I had been experiencing for what seemed forever.
I ignored it. I had already claimed "Boog" to make it. Surely, nothing bad would happen again. I am a good person. I do good things. I hold doors for old people, I tell people when their tires are flat when I am driving, I go to church and listen when Max allows me to do so. The odds of this happening AGAIN are slim to none. For this to happen again would mean there was truly a problem. I did not want to pretend that what I had been through and lived with medically was unspeakabley horrendous, because in truth, it was not.
And so it happened again. The medical people term it a "chemical pregnancy" because for whatever reason the ball of cells never fully implants and out it goes. The logical thing would be for me not to test early at all. I get that. But here is the thing about knowing your body as well as I know mine. I knew I was pregnant before I ever took the test. I know how things work in there. I know the tell tale signs. The dizziness that only happens when another is on board. The mouth full of saliva. The extra vivid dreams that usually have to do with bags of fish and death. I knew before the friend was due and that is rather hard to turn off.
I attempted to hold it in, not to tell Tim this time because I didn't want him to be dissappointed again. I feel bad thinking he can't handle it. Or maybe its my being selfish and unable to share that hurt. I don't do crying well and to feel that vulnerable about something over which I have absolutely no control drives me crazy.
But I told him anyway, that our "Boog" didn't make it. Again. We hugged and I suggested maybe it was time to see Dr. Minassian again. Tim agreed. Even though he has moved his practice to an hour away in another city. Tim said he is more than willing to do the driving. I agree that I am willing to sit in the passenger seat. Our eyes get moist but we don't cry. I don't do crying, and Tim won't really in front of me.
We gather up our already here kids and head to the park on a beautiful day.
Once there we swing and slide with the kids, run around and keep them safe. I still have that horrible, nagging, dull ache in my back that feels most unfairly like labor pains. I allow myself the minute or two to feel sad about it, but no more than that. Wallowing is only productive if you're a piglet and there is dirt around, and even they have to stop at some point. I take the advice my grandma gave me long ago as I lamented some man/boy I thought I loved and perhaps I did but he did not love me in return.
"Do you still love him?" she asked "Yes" I replied. I was expecting a "well go get him" or some asnwer to that effect. In stead she said "Well, give yourself three days and you will get over it. Any thing after that is just wallowing in it and there is no sense in doing that."
WOW. I thought. That was harsh. But in reality, she was correct. I gave myself 72 hours and truthfully I really was over it. The time I spent talking about it afterward really was an exercise in self pity.
So no self pity here. By Thursday it will be over. In the mean time, I have doors to hang, clothes to wash, kids to take care of, oh yeah, and trails to run. Even in the rain. This will not defeat me. Nothing will.
Until the Next Time
Your Recovering Fat Girl
Mikki
I ignored it. I had already claimed "Boog" to make it. Surely, nothing bad would happen again. I am a good person. I do good things. I hold doors for old people, I tell people when their tires are flat when I am driving, I go to church and listen when Max allows me to do so. The odds of this happening AGAIN are slim to none. For this to happen again would mean there was truly a problem. I did not want to pretend that what I had been through and lived with medically was unspeakabley horrendous, because in truth, it was not.
And so it happened again. The medical people term it a "chemical pregnancy" because for whatever reason the ball of cells never fully implants and out it goes. The logical thing would be for me not to test early at all. I get that. But here is the thing about knowing your body as well as I know mine. I knew I was pregnant before I ever took the test. I know how things work in there. I know the tell tale signs. The dizziness that only happens when another is on board. The mouth full of saliva. The extra vivid dreams that usually have to do with bags of fish and death. I knew before the friend was due and that is rather hard to turn off.
I attempted to hold it in, not to tell Tim this time because I didn't want him to be dissappointed again. I feel bad thinking he can't handle it. Or maybe its my being selfish and unable to share that hurt. I don't do crying well and to feel that vulnerable about something over which I have absolutely no control drives me crazy.
But I told him anyway, that our "Boog" didn't make it. Again. We hugged and I suggested maybe it was time to see Dr. Minassian again. Tim agreed. Even though he has moved his practice to an hour away in another city. Tim said he is more than willing to do the driving. I agree that I am willing to sit in the passenger seat. Our eyes get moist but we don't cry. I don't do crying, and Tim won't really in front of me.
We gather up our already here kids and head to the park on a beautiful day.
Once there we swing and slide with the kids, run around and keep them safe. I still have that horrible, nagging, dull ache in my back that feels most unfairly like labor pains. I allow myself the minute or two to feel sad about it, but no more than that. Wallowing is only productive if you're a piglet and there is dirt around, and even they have to stop at some point. I take the advice my grandma gave me long ago as I lamented some man/boy I thought I loved and perhaps I did but he did not love me in return.
"Do you still love him?" she asked "Yes" I replied. I was expecting a "well go get him" or some asnwer to that effect. In stead she said "Well, give yourself three days and you will get over it. Any thing after that is just wallowing in it and there is no sense in doing that."
WOW. I thought. That was harsh. But in reality, she was correct. I gave myself 72 hours and truthfully I really was over it. The time I spent talking about it afterward really was an exercise in self pity.
So no self pity here. By Thursday it will be over. In the mean time, I have doors to hang, clothes to wash, kids to take care of, oh yeah, and trails to run. Even in the rain. This will not defeat me. Nothing will.
Until the Next Time
Your Recovering Fat Girl
Mikki
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Getting restarted
I started to write yesterday and realized, after three or four lines that I was whining about not having exercised and the house being stirred up. I then grew some handles and got a grip and started to rewrite what really happened. By that I mean if you write it, or speak it, it exists in your reality. Therefore, instead of talking about how stirred up the house is I am focusing on the fact that I have done major spring cleaning in our room and the bathroom and stocked the snack cabinet in the kitchen.
Also, I started yesterday's entry lamenting the fact I had done nothing in the form of exercise, I got up, put on my ipod, laced up my sneakers and went running. I am still not in as bad a shape as I thought I would be and can still run further than I thought. I have noticed changes in my body due to my inactivity over the past two months and I am not happy about it.
However. I am not bummed or sitting Shiva for what it used to be. I am keeping it as a wake up call for where I could be AGAIN if I am not careful. Once again, seeing others go back to bad habits and putting on weight is not helpful for me. It is helpful, however, when it happens TO me. I am not a sideline observer in this weight loss game, I am an active participant. Therefore, I am back on track, focusing on the positives.
I am happy that this is my last week of work. Tonight is a fun night and really I am not working just going skating and can take my kids too (if Nala feels better that is) and then I have only Tuesday through Thursday to worry about.
Last night Tim and I had a conversation and I told him my revelation. I understand that women work and raise families every day and some do it with much grace, understanding, and most important well and my hat is off to those women (and men) who accomplish this feat. I, too, worked and raised a child under stressful circumstances since my first baby was just "penciled in" for the first two years and ten months of her life. However, just because it is done this way does not mean I should have to make it harder than it needs to be.
This conversation came about after I admitted to Tim that I felt like a failure for not being able to do everything. Take care of Max during the day, run the household and work at night and then find time to get enough sleep and still be healthy. I look back and say, well my mother did it, and a whole bunch of other women did it also. Why can't I?
I guess it comes down to my not being able to do anything well enough for my standards. And honestly, just because you CAN do it does not mean that you SHOULD do it. I need to lay down the guilt that is only kicked up when I listen to others who shed light on my doubts or fears that I am not doing enough professionally to warrant my existence. Perhaps, it is the unspoken belief (that maybe I secretly hold) that raising kids and keeping a household together isn't REAL work just merely something you do.
Realistically, I think this is the toughest job I have ever had and the most important. I have learned to redefine myself from titles that are smiled upon and impressive to everyone who hears them. It isn't as if I am never going back to paid employment, because I will. But if I don't do it at this very moment, or even in the next three months does this mean what I contribute is any less important because I don't bring home a paycheck and pay taxes?
Somehow, I don't think that is the case. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind when asked what it is I do or when I plan on going back to work. Hell, I am at work all day long, 24/7. What I am "going back to" is a vacation in comparison.
Ok, having unburdened my soul I need to get up and get my body moving and finish cleaning this house as stirred up surroundings means a stirred up mind and I really am NOT in that space today. I don't want to be, therefore, I will not be.
Until the Next Time
Your Recovering Fat Girl
Mikki
.
Since I am aware of the "Have a plan, or plan to fail" I am goin to finish up my plan for meals for the rest of the week tonight when I finally get a chance to get in bed. I really
Also, I started yesterday's entry lamenting the fact I had done nothing in the form of exercise, I got up, put on my ipod, laced up my sneakers and went running. I am still not in as bad a shape as I thought I would be and can still run further than I thought. I have noticed changes in my body due to my inactivity over the past two months and I am not happy about it.
However. I am not bummed or sitting Shiva for what it used to be. I am keeping it as a wake up call for where I could be AGAIN if I am not careful. Once again, seeing others go back to bad habits and putting on weight is not helpful for me. It is helpful, however, when it happens TO me. I am not a sideline observer in this weight loss game, I am an active participant. Therefore, I am back on track, focusing on the positives.
I am happy that this is my last week of work. Tonight is a fun night and really I am not working just going skating and can take my kids too (if Nala feels better that is) and then I have only Tuesday through Thursday to worry about.
Last night Tim and I had a conversation and I told him my revelation. I understand that women work and raise families every day and some do it with much grace, understanding, and most important well and my hat is off to those women (and men) who accomplish this feat. I, too, worked and raised a child under stressful circumstances since my first baby was just "penciled in" for the first two years and ten months of her life. However, just because it is done this way does not mean I should have to make it harder than it needs to be.
This conversation came about after I admitted to Tim that I felt like a failure for not being able to do everything. Take care of Max during the day, run the household and work at night and then find time to get enough sleep and still be healthy. I look back and say, well my mother did it, and a whole bunch of other women did it also. Why can't I?
I guess it comes down to my not being able to do anything well enough for my standards. And honestly, just because you CAN do it does not mean that you SHOULD do it. I need to lay down the guilt that is only kicked up when I listen to others who shed light on my doubts or fears that I am not doing enough professionally to warrant my existence. Perhaps, it is the unspoken belief (that maybe I secretly hold) that raising kids and keeping a household together isn't REAL work just merely something you do.
Realistically, I think this is the toughest job I have ever had and the most important. I have learned to redefine myself from titles that are smiled upon and impressive to everyone who hears them. It isn't as if I am never going back to paid employment, because I will. But if I don't do it at this very moment, or even in the next three months does this mean what I contribute is any less important because I don't bring home a paycheck and pay taxes?
Somehow, I don't think that is the case. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind when asked what it is I do or when I plan on going back to work. Hell, I am at work all day long, 24/7. What I am "going back to" is a vacation in comparison.
Ok, having unburdened my soul I need to get up and get my body moving and finish cleaning this house as stirred up surroundings means a stirred up mind and I really am NOT in that space today. I don't want to be, therefore, I will not be.
Until the Next Time
Your Recovering Fat Girl
Mikki
.
Since I am aware of the "Have a plan, or plan to fail" I am goin to finish up my plan for meals for the rest of the week tonight when I finally get a chance to get in bed. I really
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Getting Back on Track
The title should tell it all. I am off the beaten track. Derailed. Knocked off my square. Plodding along....you get the idea.
Ok, let me just get this part over with before I start making excuses. Today I stepped on the scale and it read 190.2. *OUCH*. I thought about lying or at least omitting my weight but to be dishonest with myself is the worse thing ever. So, I realize I need some help, here.
Hence, I am back at the blog, which, hopefully for me at this entry no one reads *smile*. No, that is not fair. I need to be honest about this weight loss journey, not try to make myself look good no matter what.
I can not believe its already March and a lot has happened.
First off, this working thing. So not happening for me now. I am not getting enough sleep and that has really affected my weight. I have been so tired that I can't always get myself together to do anything. Its been cold and I can't get out to run so I have, at least, been introduced to Comcast On Demand and Jillian Michaels. I like working out with Jillian, but I will be honest---and Lord knows I never thought I would be saying this--it does not give me the same satisfaction as running.
Luckily, its getting warmer and I can take Maxwell out to go running when I can convince myself that five hours of sleep really is enough on which to exist.
Life has been crazy around here.
Working from 6pm-12am has taken its toll on me. I have to admit something to myself that I don't like to admit....I really am not Superwoman. Tim said it best that I "work" all day taking care of Max while Noodle is at school, taking care of our kids full time and part time, making dinner, taking care of a household is a lot of work. I didn't realize how much until I started working outside again.
I understand that women do this all the time and if it had been a job with traditional hours that would have been a little different.
Whatever the case, the job is going by the way side next week and I will be happy to be home once again. I feel as if I am on a treadmill and not the kind that helps you lose weight.
I see how very easy it is to get away from what makes you successful in any endeavor. The difference is, while this time I am dissappointed in how I have allowed things to progress in the past three months I am happy that I am not letting it dibilitate me to the point where I have the "whatever, man. I may as well just bag this" attitude I had in the past.
For example, I did not want to make my appointment with Dr. Boe and have to tell him I got pregnant at eight months out (and again in January that also ended in a very early miscarriage. I don't even know what THATS about) and that my weight loss has all but stopped. He was more understanding than I thought he would be and filled me some more.
My weight is due to my poor food choices and eating late at night and believe it or not, not consumming enough quality food. I have already identified one of my triggers as eating when I am tired as if that is going to stop me from being tired instead of just getting more sleep. And boy have I been tired. Nope, not excuses, just realities that I am going to have to find an effective way to deal with is all.
Easier said than done, my friend.
What is the point of therapy through blogging if I am not going to be honest about it? Its better than paying my copay and lying to a therapist LOL
So here I sit, committed once again to being healthy and on track and blogging daily to keep me honest. Having said this (it has taken me three hours to write this between running after Max, reading him books, attempting to pick up the living room and making doctor's appointments for the boy) I am going to put on something in which to run and go to the wildlife preserve to run and show Maxwell signs of spring. It won't be long now.
Until the Next Time,
Your Recovering Fat Girl
Mikki
Ok, let me just get this part over with before I start making excuses. Today I stepped on the scale and it read 190.2. *OUCH*. I thought about lying or at least omitting my weight but to be dishonest with myself is the worse thing ever. So, I realize I need some help, here.
Hence, I am back at the blog, which, hopefully for me at this entry no one reads *smile*. No, that is not fair. I need to be honest about this weight loss journey, not try to make myself look good no matter what.
I can not believe its already March and a lot has happened.
First off, this working thing. So not happening for me now. I am not getting enough sleep and that has really affected my weight. I have been so tired that I can't always get myself together to do anything. Its been cold and I can't get out to run so I have, at least, been introduced to Comcast On Demand and Jillian Michaels. I like working out with Jillian, but I will be honest---and Lord knows I never thought I would be saying this--it does not give me the same satisfaction as running.
Luckily, its getting warmer and I can take Maxwell out to go running when I can convince myself that five hours of sleep really is enough on which to exist.
Life has been crazy around here.
Working from 6pm-12am has taken its toll on me. I have to admit something to myself that I don't like to admit....I really am not Superwoman. Tim said it best that I "work" all day taking care of Max while Noodle is at school, taking care of our kids full time and part time, making dinner, taking care of a household is a lot of work. I didn't realize how much until I started working outside again.
I understand that women do this all the time and if it had been a job with traditional hours that would have been a little different.
Whatever the case, the job is going by the way side next week and I will be happy to be home once again. I feel as if I am on a treadmill and not the kind that helps you lose weight.
I see how very easy it is to get away from what makes you successful in any endeavor. The difference is, while this time I am dissappointed in how I have allowed things to progress in the past three months I am happy that I am not letting it dibilitate me to the point where I have the "whatever, man. I may as well just bag this" attitude I had in the past.
For example, I did not want to make my appointment with Dr. Boe and have to tell him I got pregnant at eight months out (and again in January that also ended in a very early miscarriage. I don't even know what THATS about) and that my weight loss has all but stopped. He was more understanding than I thought he would be and filled me some more.
My weight is due to my poor food choices and eating late at night and believe it or not, not consumming enough quality food. I have already identified one of my triggers as eating when I am tired as if that is going to stop me from being tired instead of just getting more sleep. And boy have I been tired. Nope, not excuses, just realities that I am going to have to find an effective way to deal with is all.
Easier said than done, my friend.
What is the point of therapy through blogging if I am not going to be honest about it? Its better than paying my copay and lying to a therapist LOL
So here I sit, committed once again to being healthy and on track and blogging daily to keep me honest. Having said this (it has taken me three hours to write this between running after Max, reading him books, attempting to pick up the living room and making doctor's appointments for the boy) I am going to put on something in which to run and go to the wildlife preserve to run and show Maxwell signs of spring. It won't be long now.
Until the Next Time,
Your Recovering Fat Girl
Mikki
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